White Water Rafting With God

Got my pathology report. After Hawaiian Healing, “The Secret” and positive thinking, 4 months of teamwork with chemo and accupuncture, Bernie Segal’s live life to the fullest to survive and thrive, taking Chinese magical herbs… I just learned I still had multi-focal cancer, up to 5mm in my breast and 2mm in my lymph nodes with some of the cancers just millimeters from the margins. Somehow this 5 mm of cancer wasn’t found when they did the original two masses and the cancers in between. I shudder at the thought of how large it was before chemo and how it slipped by undetected by modern machines and even surgery. I feel like I’m sitting at the edge with my feet dangling in a pit of despair… my heart breaking, my mind shattering in pieces…

Juxtaposed right up against this edge, however also sits this light of gratitude… Gratitude, they found it. Gratitude, I made the right choice for a double mastectomy. It’s been grace from the very beginning that I even found my lump. The lump that came up normal in the compressed mammogram… that only showed because they randomly decided to run an ultrasound on the area because I was coughing and in pain… Gratitude, for the additional cancers undetectable through machines but discovered by my surgeon. Gratitude - for my doctors, my insurance, for my home and my warm comfy bed. Gratitude - for food, water and shelter and the luxury of choices, the luxury of time and a place to rest and heal, friends and family who love and support me.

My doctors and the tumor board recommend additional surgery and I schedule it. I am so grateful for direction. I grieve my losses and come to acceptance and peace about my risks for living a life with lymphedema. I relax and trust and ask the universe for a sign to tell me if I’m making a mistake…

And then it comes, my radiation oncologist passionately disagrees asking me to reconsider, and with it, the suffocating grayness in between that feels like abandonment. What I have isn’t always detectable by the machines… I don’t know even if we can get rid of this cancer or how far it’s spread… I don’t know if surgery on a small area and delaying radiation is better, or if radiation now over the broader area is better… I simply don’t know. No one knows. Not even the doctors. If I do surgery and the cancer is only in the nodes they remove, it would be best to do the surgery and get the 25% chance of lymphedema. But if the cancer is elsewhere, in the chest wall, other areas of remaining breast tissue, then radiation now would be best. So I’ve got to guess, how far the cancer has spread? Will radiation eradicate it all? I’ve never gambled much in my life. Maybe a nickel in a slot machine… and now this… I can’t guess, I can’t do this alone… I sit quietly and listen for God’s voice… Please help me..

Then the day before surgery, it happens. I receive a call from my radiation oncologist telling me the tumor board has changed its decision and no longer recommends surgery but straight to radiation and asks me to consider… Close to midnight the day of surgery I call and cancel… My mind is a tornado… Is this God’s answer for me?

In the darkness, the grey and the light… I hear a voice... I can’t control this. No matter how good I am or how perfectly I try. I can’t do it. I have to let go. Trust.

I don’t know what is in store for my body, but I know my spirit is well. In the context of the soul, what does this all mean after all? More fire in the kiln - fire that tempers the steely blade? In terms of my body, if I’m meant to be here, I will. If I’m not, I won’t. Simple as that. But I’ll do my best to fight and be here. My heart aches as I imagine my worst fears of my husband and 8 year old son without me. And I must hold onto the faith that God knows best for me and my family… and let go…

I have radiation ahead, and then the miracle drug Tamoxifen. And I’m still shooting for that cure. I’m still planning on it… but when all the cards drop, I know it’s not in my control… All I can do is do my best and let go… All I know is that I plan to follow you anywhere God.

I’m on the white water rafting adventure of my life. I can complain, obsess, try to control, feel sorry for myself, project doom and gloom or I can do my best to just let go and enjoy the ride today. It can be terrifying, heartbreaking… but when I remember to look up and stay in the moment, it’s still fun, silly and exhilarating… and it’s still a beautiful ride with a breathtaking and amazing view with all the people I love and who love me too…